Valentines Day... The True Story

I have a wonderful story to share with you. This story chronicles the events leading up to the creation of the holiday we call Valentines Day. You know the drill, after you finish reading the story, leave me a comment! Here it goes…

Many years ago, on the evening of February 14th a representative from Hershey’s and a representative from Hallmark were both on a business trip at the same hotel. Each was seated alone at separate stools at the hotel lounge, single, lonely and despite. Their eyes met across the lounge, instant attraction. Hershey guy gets off his stool and walks over to Hallmark girl, hands her a chocolate. She looks at him, looks at the delicious candy in his hand, and decides that she needs listen to her therapist, stop hating men and take a risk. So she takes a bite and the luscious caramel center harmonizing with the sweetness of the milk chocolate rushes through her, filling her with a wonderful sensation leaving her speechless. She looks up at Hershey guy and thinks to herself, could this be the one? Hershey guy, not hearing her say anything back (she was speechless remember?) starts to walk away in disappointment thinking that this was yet another failed attempt at finding love. He is surprised to feel a hand on his shoulder, turns around and finds Hallmark girl standing before him, in her outstretched, slightly chubby hand she was holding a card. He timidly takes the card, opens the envelope giving him a paper cut in the process, but he was too rapt in the moment to feel pain. He reads the front of the card, then the inside. His eyes begin to fill with tears as he reads the content of the card. As he finishes reading, he wipes the lachrymal fluid from his eyes, looks at Hallmark girl and smiles. Hallmark girl, pleased with his reaction, smiles back. At that very moment a representative from a flower shop walks by. Being the klutz he is, he trips over Hallmark girl’s giant purse spilling at least a dozen roses on the floor right at the feet of our couple. Both kneel down to help flower dude pick up his roses. Hallmark girl and Hershey guy look up at the same time, their faces only inches apart. Ignoring his bad breath Hallmark girl makes the move and leans in, planting her chapped lips Hershey guys. Surprised, he starts to pull away, then decides to go with it. At that moment the bartender changes song in the lounge loud speaker to “I Will Always Love You”, sung by the talented, drug filled Whitney Houston. The music, smell of the flowers and taste of the chocolate created a kiss between the two that can only be described as miraculous. The kiss ended and both people stood, wiped rose pedals off their cheap business suits, and looked deep into each others eyes. Never diverting his eyes from hers, Hershey guy reaches for a napkin and pen on the bar counter to write down his number, (he forgot his business cards at home). He scribbles his digits on the napkin and hands it to Hallmark girl. She takes it from him and reaches into her oversized, fake designer purse and pulls out a business card (different from Hershey guy, she NEVER forgets her business cards). She hands him her card and leans in for another kiss. After they finished their second kiss, Hershey guy takes her now even chubbier hand (that chocolate moved fast), and they walk hand in hand to the hotel lobby and sit down in front of the water fountain and talk into the early morning, growing more in love with each other. However what they didn’t know was that a representative from a cell phone company was seated at a table near them in the lounge and had recorded the whole thing on his Blackberry. He then uploaded the video to YouTube and people around the world watched the romantic encounter. Because of that video, (no longer available on YouTube so don’t try to find it) February 14th has become a day where lovebirds all over use chocolate, flowers, and sappy music sung by drug filled singers to declare their love for each other.

But what happened to our couple? Well six months later, Hallmark girl was over at Hershey guy’s apartment for a dinner date and while hanging up her coat in his closet, spots a box on the shelf. Being a rather snoopy girl she looks in the box and realizes Hershey guy has a perfectly organized collection of… beanie babies! After confronting Hershey guy, he finally breaks down in tears, (he cries a lot!) and explains that he has a special place in his heart for all the lost beanie babies of the world and could never ever part with them. Hallmark girl, realizing this relationship is over dumps him and leave his apartment for the last time. After weeks of wallowing and consuming giant buckets of rocky road ice cream, (she was chubby remember?) Hallmark girl finally leaves her condo and starts to date again. On February 14th two years later she married the flower dude and is living a very happy life. Hershey guy however, is still alone. Every Valentines Day he sits in his apartment surrounded by beanie babies thinking of what might have been with the lovely girl from hallmark…

The End.

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!

I'm Still Here...

Ok, so I promise I haven't died or anything, (well, not yet at least) I just have been really busy! As you know our universe is being taken over by flying toasters and it is my duty as a superhero to save us! So I promise that I haven't forsaken this blog or you, my faithful readers, however I must obliterate all the remaining toasters and return our beautiful mother earth to her peaceful rotation amongst the other planets. So with that, I bid all you farewell as I sweep the crumbs off my cape, (residue from the last battle) and head out to annihilate the last of the toasters.

Wood Chucks

Really, how much wood can a wood chuck chuck? Do wood chucks actually chuck, and if they do, do they chuck more than wood? What does chuck mean? Seriously, I am extremely curious about this. Does anybody have the answers?

Fun with Oxymoron's!

Since you obviously have nothing better to do, (why else would you be reading this blog?) here is a list of oxymoron's that may tease your brain a bit. What do you think of these? Please leave a comment with some ideas!

A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
advanced BASIC
advanced beginner
Affirmative action
affordable housing
aging yuppie
agree to disagree
Airline Food
airline schedules
all alone
All natural artificial flavor
alltogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost candid
Almost done
almost exactly
almost pregnant
Almost Ready
almost safe
almost suddenly
almost surprised
almost totally
alone together
amateur expert
American culture
American education
American English
amicable divorce
among the first
Amtrak schedule
Anarchy Rules!
anonymous colleague

So... what do you think?

Apocalypse Now! -and other stuff

I’m Still Alive! (Insert sigh of relief here) I know you were concerned, when you didn’t see any activity on this blog for quite a while you were getting anxious about my well being, well I promise you, I AM STILL ALIVE AND WELL! From the depths of my chowder bowl I sincerely apologize for my lethargy and have made a renewed commitment to not let my blog get to far behind my footsteps.

Now that I’ve gotten that unpleasant affair out of the way, here’s what’s been in my chowder brain lately. A few weeks ago, a highly esteemed co-worker and I were engaged in a rather witty repartee, (which is always a welcome diversion to the ever-mounting workload my career demands of me) and she brought up a very interesting idea that has intrigued me ever since. It this theory of ‘who do I want in my bunker'. Let me explain. Close your eye for one moment and imagine that we were living in a pre-apocalyptic world and at any moment the apocalypse would be upon us. However, there is a bunker nearby where you can take refuge while the disaster rages outside; the predicament is that you can only have a select number of people occupy the bunker with you. Who do you chose? Chew on that for a moment… now swallow. As I have been pondering this exceedingly enthralling theory it has led me to take mental account of all the people in my life; family, friends, acquaintances, and to consider how much I really know about them. Because if I was going to choose any one of them to inhabit the bunker with me, I want to make sure that they have talents and gifts that are useful, but different from mine.

For your mental clarity, let me provide an example. I am someone who has never been or ever will be good at survival skills; so i would choose someone who was. Because without this wonderful individual, I would die very quickly. I can barely light a candle with a match let alone a fire with twigs! And if you asked me to pack a suitcase for a wilderness excursion, I would pack my iPod (duh), lots of rugged but fashionable outfits complete with plenty of tidy whitys, my Garmin GPS system, the complete 7th season of “The King of Queens” on DVD, several cans of delicious Chef Boyardee products (yum!), keychain flashlight and a TV guide. (I’m not missing my ABC shows, I don’t care how far away we get from civilization, I’m watching extreme home-makeover!). Oh yeah, and my electric blanket for those chilly wilderness nights. Get the picture? I need someone who knows how to rainproof a tent, craft baskets out of reeds, build water rafts out of firewood, catch and clean fish (ick), and navigate the perils of the fire swamp all while battling rodents of unusual size. What? Where did that last one come from? (Oops! That wasn’t part of my theory… that was from the critically acclaimed 1987 blockbuster hit, “The Princess Bride!” Sorry!!)

Also I would require someone with an optimistic personality; because lets face it, I am a worry wart! The instant the apocalypse begins to descend upon the earth I would commence a freak-out that would put all the crazy people of the world collectively to shame! I would require the assistance of someone who keeps a clear head in the onslaught of danger, and can think strategically during the most traumatic situations. Also among the bunker inhabitants, would be my cute and adorable childfriend Pippi Longstocking. Being able to lift an immense quadruped above your head with super strength is always a handy skill during any ordeal!

On a more serious note, I would need someone who is never failing in their devotion to Christ. During hard times, I try my very best to hear Gods voice through the storm, but often I fail. I need someone who can help keep me on the correct course and make sure that my faith doesn’t waiver.

So in summery, my bunker theory may be a bit far fetched, and to some extent asinine, nevertheless I think that it is at least something that I am going to keep in mind while pursuing future friends, and that one extraordinary somebody who will hopefully become my wife. I need people in my life whose talents and abilities enrich mine, and make me a better person. When the tough times come, I desire to have a group of people around me who can help distinguish my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and be there for me as I would for them. Overall, I need people who aren’t precisely like me, but who complete me.

So now it's your turn!!! What do you think of this theory? Who would you have in your bunker? PLEASE COMMENT!

Until your comment, happy life-living!

Oscar Wilde and I had a conversation last night...

Yesterday evening I went on a shopping spree, which I don’t often do. I have been stressed out lately and I just wanted to go throw some money around! (Yes I know it’s not responsible, however it is quite fun!) I stormed into Wall Mart, with $300.00 burning a hole in my pocket and walked out of there $250 later with a brand new Sony Reader! The first thing I read on it was the essay ‘The Soul of Man under Socialism’ by Oscar Wilde. As I read it, I found myself completely enthralled with what Oscar was telling me! It challenged my ideas about socialism in America, and taught me that even though socialism may be a speedy fix to a number of of our problems, in the long run, it will have immense negative ramifications. Its clever words and poignant phrases held me captive until late into the night, and when I was done, I felt so much smarter! I now have an extremely authoritative stance on socialism, so strong in fact that if Barack Obama and I were engaged in a heated debate about socialism, (like that would happen) I am absolutely certain I would win! I robustly recommend you read this essay. It will plant ideas into your brain about socialism that you have by no means thought of before, and will rouse you to share your learning’s with others. If you have read this essay, or have ideas on socialism in America, comment to this post and share your thoughts! I can’t wait to hear what you have to say!!!

Muffin Dreams...

The other night I had a dream that I woke up and found that I was baked in the middle of a giant muffin! I am not sure what the flavor of the muffin was, I only know that I had no choice but to eat my way out. So I’m curious, what do you think this dream means? Please comment!!! (Yes I realize that this post was ridiculous, and a waste of time. But please, just go with it!)